(Wo)Man Vs. Food

This is my 100th post.  It is a combination of my feelings on a really bad day and my feelings now.  What you see below is a description of how I felt last Sunday evening.  I was two seconds away from getting horribly back off track again.  I decided I was going to start blogging about it.  I wrote down everything I was feeling at the time and I saved it on my blog and didn't publish it.  I went back and looked at it several times this week and just thought about it some more.  I will let you read it and then I will attempt to make sense of my food feelings.  So, here it goes...


This afternoon I made a huge mistake.  I was watching TV in my room.  I had just had a delicious healthy snack of hummus veggies and some cracker crisps.  I was watching trashy mindless TV shows because I had already worked out and cleaned the house and I was just taking some much needed "me" time.


I ran out of shows to watch, so I started to scan the channels searching for something else to occupy my time.  I ended up stopping at Man vs. Food.  He was in Philadelphia and was on his typical spree to find the biggest, greasiest most delicious food that he could.  I was intrigued.  I have never been to Philadelphia.  Maybe I want to go there?  Hmmm, what do they have to eat that is so special.  I watched the entire program.


As the show ended I sat there thinking to myself.  I want some french fries.  I NEED some french fries.  Or maybe some Nachos?  Salty chips could be good too.  If have the salt though I am going to need the sweet. Dairy queen has a brownie batter blizzard.  I love that slice of chocolate cake from the bakery down the street.  I became obsessed with thinking about food.  Maybe I could just have a small fry.  Or a few chips and some chocolate. Or better yet, maybe I could just "take the night off" .  Weekends are meant to be bad.  One bad night won't matter in the big picture.


LIES.  It is all a great big lie.  I want the chips and the fries and the chocolate.  I can't have them.  It kills me that I do not yet have the willpower right now to eat unhealthy foods in moderation.  I am not strong enough to only have one or two.  I know that I am only one fast food run away from a binge.  If I get a bag of chips I will eat them all in one sitting.  I could eat a whole piece of cake no problem, with no guilt.


I hate that food is such a problem for me.  I know if losing weight was easy everyone would be skinny.  I get it.  It is really hard.  It is hard for me.  I want to be healthy.  I want to lose weight, to be thin. I want  so bad, but I want it to not be so hard.  I know at the end of this when I look back on these struggles I will think that it was all worth it.  That I went through all of those hard times to finally get to the end of this battle.

Last night was another "close call".  I got home from work and was about to make dinner when I got sidetracked.  All of a sudden it was 7:15 and I hadn't eaten dinner.  The thought of Wendy's was haunting me.  I grabbed my keys and my wallet and I got in my car.  I decided that Wendy's was bad, I should get something else.  I should go to Subway.  Then I thought, "McDonalds is across from Subway... maybe I could just get a four piece chicken nugget and a small fry."  I drove past the Golden Arches and parked at Subway.  I ordered a sandiwch.  I got baked chips.  I got in my car dreading driving past the Golden Arches again.  I thought about the french fries again.  I kept driving.  I got home and as I pulled in my garage I literally said out loud, "that was close."  It was.  Too close, but yet I am not writing to you to tell you that I have fallen off plan.  I am here to say that I am human.  I am here to say that my willpower is not always iron clad, but it is growing stronger everyday.  It gets easier everyday.


Right now I am in a back and forth battle with food and with myself.  Right now is really just the beginning of a long road.  Right now I am stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as I will be tomorrow. Right now I have lost 7 pounds this week.  Right now I feel the fire.  Right now I am in control of my life, my body, my weight and it feels GOOD!

So, this is me right now.  On my 100th post I am still 20 pounds down (27 if you count my new 7 pounds) from  my first post, but I have many pounds to go.  So, thanks to all of you for reading and supporting me through my many ups and downs.  Sometimes, the support that I get from all of you helps me to keep going when I just want to quit.  As a thank you I am going to give away two Target gift cards.  All you have to do is comment on this post about why you like to read my blog.  I will accept comments until 8:00 a.m. on Monday June 27th.  At that time I will pick a winner, conatact you for your address and mail you your gift card. :)  Easy peasy.  No more posts until Monday.  Happy weekend!