Eating my Feelings

I have always said that I just really like food.  I love the smell, the taste, the texture.  I love the way it can remind me of a time or a place or just make me feel satisfied.  Whenever people would say you have to figure out why you eat what you do and what triggers it.  I would kind of silently laugh inside and think, "I eat because I like food. period. end of story."  Well, while I still maintain that I do just love food, I know that isn't the whole truth.  I mean I have known for awhile that it wasn't the whole truth, but yesterday it became extremely obvious that I, like many other people eat my feelings/emotions at times.

I know this may not seem groundbreaking to any of you.  I am overweight and admitting that I eat my emotions at times.  Okay...?  That seems obvious, right?  I think in some ways it might be obvious, but I think until you actually catch yourself doing it you can pretend like it isn't happening.

Yesterday I had a great morning.  I started out my day with a work out.  I came to work and everything was just fine.  I ate my lunch of soup and a salad and I remember feeling satisified and full.  I went to work at the front counter at my work, which I hate and my day started to spiral downwards.  The front counter is busy, overwhelming, fast-paced and people are generally NOT happy or pleasant to you.   Yesterday was all of these things on over-drive followed by an argument with a friend.  Needless to say I was very quickly in a bad mood.  One of my co-worker's came by to talk to me, but I was too busy.  He could see that I was stressed and on his way back around the building he dropped off a bag of my favorite chips to, "try and make my day a little bit better."

I didn't even really realize it, but before I knew it the bag was open, the smell of spices and chips filled my nose and I was eating the chips.  I ate probably 5 chips before I realized a few things. 

1. I wasn't even hungry.

2. I was eating my emotions.

3. I am angry that a solution to a bad day in my co-worker's eyes is food.

Number's one and two are absolutely accurate.  Number three is frustrating, but I know that he had good intentions.  He knows that I love those chips and he was trying to do something nice.  I can see that, however I wish it was an apple, a high five or just some encouraging words.  I don't need food to make me feel better about my day, mood or emotions.  I don't need chips to make me feel better.  It is a tough realization for me that food isn't just to be enjoyed in any amount or in any form.  I think food should be enjoyable, but the key is to eat the right food for the right reasons.  Of course there will be times when chips, cake, fried food, etc will be eaten, but it shouldn't be because I had a bad day.  It should be to enjoy a special treat every once in awhile and not to drown out the emotions I am having at the time.

Waffle Fries. A confession. A promise. A Plan.

Waffle Fries

If you know anything about me you know that I prefer savory over sweet.  I would much rather eat french fries and potato chips with dip than something sweet most anyday.


So, last night I went to Granite City with two of my girlfriends.  GC is known for their waffle fries and seasoned sour cream and for very generous portions.  This my friend's is a dieters worst nightmare come true.  All day I was dreading going to GC because I have NEVER successfully gone there without indulging in waffle fry deliciousness.  I mean if I am going to be totally honest I once split an appetizer with my friends that was Idaho Nachos which are waffle fries covered in cheese, bacon and sour cream and then I ordered a sandwich with waffle fries.  Seems pretty reasonable. Ha.



My sandwich would usually be a Crispy fried Buffalo chicken wrap that I would then dip into blue cheese.



So, what is the message here?  Did I eat all of these things and this is a confession rather than an example of learning from the past rather than falling into my comfortable, delicious, savory, salty past?  What do you think?  Did I eat it?


NO!  Was it easy to not eat it?  No.  Do I want it to be easy and somehow become unappealing to me like fish or anchovies or sauerkraut?  Yes.  Is there a message in this post besides the fact that I didn't eat the above things and rather I ate the grilled mediterranean chicken with steamed broccoli?  Yes.  The message is below and it is one that took me awhile to deal with and to admit to myself and to all of you. 

The Confession

The real point of this post is to be honest with all of you and honest with myself.  Since Christmas, which was now almost 3 weeks ago I have not been walking the walk with this weight loss thing.  I have been doing really well during the day and not so great when I get home.  Some nights I have made dinners of tacos and spaghetti throwing portion control out the window.  Some days I ate smaller portions, but the choices were poor.  Some days were an off day that turned into an off weekend.  I am being fully and completely honest with all of you and with myself because that is the only way for me to learn from my mistake and to get back on track. 

The best part of this is that I learned my lesson before I gained all of the weight I lost back and more.  I put on my jeans that just fit before Christmas yesterday and they were SNUG.  I said, hmmm looks like the poor choices of caught up with me and that I need to get fully back on track.  Rather than grabbing a pair of sweatpants or a bigger pair of jeans I made the decision then and there that I am NOT going back to the place that I once was.  I am only going in the right direction.  The weight loss, pants fit, feel better about myself, don't feel guilty when people ask me how things are going, saying every other day is a cheat day direction.

So, what is the damage and what is my plan of attack?   Well.  I have gained 4.5 pounds since Dec 21st.  Yikes!  This makes me so mad, sad, angry, disappointed and confused.  How did I let this happen?  I mean I know how it happened, but what was the trigger and why did it take ahold of me off and on for the better part of 3 weeks!?! 

I spent a lot of time last night writing down my feelings and emotions during this time period so that I know for sure what kind of things played into my decisions.  It isn't enough for me to get back on track.  I need to know what happened that lead to the decisions that I made.  Some of the emotions were: overwhelmed, busy, anxious, scared, sad, defeated, ashamed, guilty and disgusted.  I wrote down some of the personal struggles that I have had during this as well so that I know some of the things that trigger me to eat or to make poor choices. This exercise helped me a lot.  For a long time I never thought I was an emotional eater at all.  I thought, I just really like food, but I don't eat because I am sad.  I know now that is false.  I know that my emotions tend to get the best of me and without knowing it I reach for a bag of chips.  I think I have made some great progress.  I think I am better prepared to get back on track and to tackle this weight loss thing again.

I hope you all see that everyone makes mistakes.  I was on a HUGE roll with this weight loss thing and it started to crumble before my eyes.  I hadn't have a bad day on this journey for 3 months.  I had been a working out, portion control, eating healthy machine.  The well-oiled  machine that I created defaulted and I know that I am the only person in control of that.   I had lost almost 50 pounds and just as I was starting to revel in that success, I turned my direction.  I know that my emotions and my busy life got in the way of my weight loss and in the way of my continued success. I believe know that I know what I need to do and the things that I need to avoid or learn to deal with in a different way.

The Promise

I promise to myself that I will not let something like this go on for as long as it did next time.  I promise that I have learned from this mistake and will be better off in the long run having gone through this.  I promise to always admit when I have screwed up and to not feel like I need to be perfect all the time.  I promise that I will show myself, my family, my friends and all of you that I can lose this weight and that I am a good example of someone who will overcome the odds and accomplish what they set out to do.


The Plan

1.  Blog more often
2. Post more pictures
3.  Be honest about every success and every failure
4. Post workout pictures
5. Post progress photos
6. Post recipes and food that I have tried
7. Work with a personal trainer again
8. Meet with my dietician to get a new plan in order
9. Talk about my emotions and my feelings
10. Lose the weight. For Good.