I wish I wouldn't have let a month go by without telling you all why I was not here.
I wish that I didn't let what happen upset me as much as it did.
I wish that I felt the same way about blogging as I did over a year ago.
I wish that the person who sent me several awful emails would have thought things through before sending them.
I wish I would have just brushed it off and not let it consume me.
I wish these things, but the truth is that wishing is not enough.
About a month ago I got the first of three emails from a reader who was not happy with my comments on this blog. This person was very upset that I didn't outline everything that I ate every day, pictures of my scale every week and that I didn't ask my readers more about how their journey's were going.
That was the first email. The second and third emails were ten times worse and honestly, I am not even going to validate the person by explaining it all here, but let's just say that I had to seek the advice of an attorney to figure out what to do next.
I don't want to dwell too much on what happened or the very ridiculous allegations and assumptions that this person was making, because they are unfounded and absurd. I will say that I am sorry for my absence, that I appreciate those of you who have followed me and offered me support over the past year and a half and that I wish you all continued success and I hope that you all reach your goal(s), whatever they may be. I think the majority of the people in this blogging community are amazing, inspiring and motivating people and I continue to motivate myself through all of your stories. For now, I am going to take this blogging thing one day at a time. I needed to break the silence, since I have gotten a few, "what happened to you!?" emails and I realized that is was rude of me to fall of the face of the earth.
I am not done with my journey or with blogging, but I am taking time to rethink my presence in the blogging community and trying to determine if my words are better suited in a journal rather than in a public forum. I am still struggling with that notion and I don't expect to have all of the answers right away. I hope you all understand where I am coming from and realize that we all have to make our own personal decisions based upon what we feel is right for ourselves. Thanks again for the love and support you have given me all of this time and I hope to be back in some capacity that suits my personal journey.
Showing posts with label personal struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal struggles. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Overcoming the morning craving
Today I got to work and I didn't want to make my usual breakfast sandwich. I was kind of sick and tired of this egg/soy sausage breakfast sandwich and I just wasn't in the mood for it. I know how important breakfast is, so I knew I needed to eat something. I was already at work so my options were very limited.
We happen to have a store at work that sells pop, snacks, chips and some breakfast items. Almost nothing in the store is a healthy option, which makes shopping there a little tough. They do have a package of muffins that is really tasty. You get two mini muffins and they are moist and delicious! I was sitting here for an hour and thinking about them the entire time. I walked back there to purchase them and I looked at the nutrition facts right away. This is my new thing that I do. I look at the nutrition facts from top to bottom and THEN I decide whether or not I am going to buy it. Thankfully I came to my senses and realized that this was NOT a sensible lunch at all.
I made a bowl of oatmeal and ate my banana. It was not what I wanted to eat at all. It wasn't very comforting or tasty. It was however, nutritious and satisfying in the sense that I know it will keep me full until lunch and it won't leave me with regret. So, oatmeal and banana wins for breakfast and first craving, urge, desire to fall off of said wagon for the day has been controlled.
Moving on to my next topic. My weight loss journey. I have continued to lose every week, but not the numbers that I would like to see. I know that I could be exercising more and also eating better all the time rather than most of the time. I think I have decided that I am going to join Weight Watchers. As much as I can say that I hold myself accountable until I am blue in the face there is nothing more accountable than knowing that someone else will weigh you once a week. I think it will help me stay even more focused and even more on track. So, what do you guys think? Who loves WW? Anything I should know before I do it?
We happen to have a store at work that sells pop, snacks, chips and some breakfast items. Almost nothing in the store is a healthy option, which makes shopping there a little tough. They do have a package of muffins that is really tasty. You get two mini muffins and they are moist and delicious! I was sitting here for an hour and thinking about them the entire time. I walked back there to purchase them and I looked at the nutrition facts right away. This is my new thing that I do. I look at the nutrition facts from top to bottom and THEN I decide whether or not I am going to buy it. Thankfully I came to my senses and realized that this was NOT a sensible lunch at all.
Mini-muffins.
Capri sun, mini donuts, ramen, fruit cup and mac and cheese. All bad options, except for the fruit if you drained the syrup.
My weak spot. CHIPS! There are some baked options, so kudos to that!
Tons and tons of soda pop. I am really trying hard to not have any. Sometimes I will have a diet coke.
I made a bowl of oatmeal and ate my banana. It was not what I wanted to eat at all. It wasn't very comforting or tasty. It was however, nutritious and satisfying in the sense that I know it will keep me full until lunch and it won't leave me with regret. So, oatmeal and banana wins for breakfast and first craving, urge, desire to fall off of said wagon for the day has been controlled.
oatmeal and banana. My friends in weight loss and guilt free eating.
Moving on to my next topic. My weight loss journey. I have continued to lose every week, but not the numbers that I would like to see. I know that I could be exercising more and also eating better all the time rather than most of the time. I think I have decided that I am going to join Weight Watchers. As much as I can say that I hold myself accountable until I am blue in the face there is nothing more accountable than knowing that someone else will weigh you once a week. I think it will help me stay even more focused and even more on track. So, what do you guys think? Who loves WW? Anything I should know before I do it?
Friday, June 24, 2011
(Wo)Man Vs. Food
This is my 100th post. It is a combination of my feelings on a really bad day and my feelings now. What you see below is a description of how I felt last Sunday evening. I was two seconds away from getting horribly back off track again. I decided I was going to start blogging about it. I wrote down everything I was feeling at the time and I saved it on my blog and didn't publish it. I went back and looked at it several times this week and just thought about it some more. I will let you read it and then I will attempt to make sense of my food feelings. So, here it goes...
This afternoon I made a huge mistake. I was watching TV in my room. I had just had a delicious healthy snack of hummus veggies and some cracker crisps. I was watching trashy mindless TV shows because I had already worked out and cleaned the house and I was just taking some much needed "me" time.
I ran out of shows to watch, so I started to scan the channels searching for something else to occupy my time. I ended up stopping at Man vs. Food. He was in Philadelphia and was on his typical spree to find the biggest, greasiest most delicious food that he could. I was intrigued. I have never been to Philadelphia. Maybe I want to go there? Hmmm, what do they have to eat that is so special. I watched the entire program.
As the show ended I sat there thinking to myself. I want some french fries. I NEED some french fries. Or maybe some Nachos? Salty chips could be good too. If have the salt though I am going to need the sweet. Dairy queen has a brownie batter blizzard. I love that slice of chocolate cake from the bakery down the street. I became obsessed with thinking about food. Maybe I could just have a small fry. Or a few chips and some chocolate. Or better yet, maybe I could just "take the night off" . Weekends are meant to be bad. One bad night won't matter in the big picture.
LIES. It is all a great big lie. I want the chips and the fries and the chocolate. I can't have them. It kills me that I do not yet have the willpower right now to eat unhealthy foods in moderation. I am not strong enough to only have one or two. I know that I am only one fast food run away from a binge. If I get a bag of chips I will eat them all in one sitting. I could eat a whole piece of cake no problem, with no guilt.
I hate that food is such a problem for me. I know if losing weight was easy everyone would be skinny. I get it. It is really hard. It is hard for me. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight, to be thin. I want so bad, but I want it to not be so hard. I know at the end of this when I look back on these struggles I will think that it was all worth it. That I went through all of those hard times to finally get to the end of this battle.
Last night was another "close call". I got home from work and was about to make dinner when I got sidetracked. All of a sudden it was 7:15 and I hadn't eaten dinner. The thought of Wendy's was haunting me. I grabbed my keys and my wallet and I got in my car. I decided that Wendy's was bad, I should get something else. I should go to Subway. Then I thought, "McDonalds is across from Subway... maybe I could just get a four piece chicken nugget and a small fry." I drove past the Golden Arches and parked at Subway. I ordered a sandiwch. I got baked chips. I got in my car dreading driving past the Golden Arches again. I thought about the french fries again. I kept driving. I got home and as I pulled in my garage I literally said out loud, "that was close." It was. Too close, but yet I am not writing to you to tell you that I have fallen off plan. I am here to say that I am human. I am here to say that my willpower is not always iron clad, but it is growing stronger everyday. It gets easier everyday.
Right now I am in a back and forth battle with food and with myself. Right now is really just the beginning of a long road. Right now I am stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as I will be tomorrow. Right now I have lost 7 pounds this week. Right now I feel the fire. Right now I am in control of my life, my body, my weight and it feels GOOD!
So, this is me right now. On my 100th post I am still 20 pounds down (27 if you count my new 7 pounds) from my first post, but I have many pounds to go. So, thanks to all of you for reading and supporting me through my many ups and downs. Sometimes, the support that I get from all of you helps me to keep going when I just want to quit. As a thank you I am going to give away two Target gift cards. All you have to do is comment on this post about why you like to read my blog. I will accept comments until 8:00 a.m. on Monday June 27th. At that time I will pick a winner, conatact you for your address and mail you your gift card. :) Easy peasy. No more posts until Monday. Happy weekend!
This afternoon I made a huge mistake. I was watching TV in my room. I had just had a delicious healthy snack of hummus veggies and some cracker crisps. I was watching trashy mindless TV shows because I had already worked out and cleaned the house and I was just taking some much needed "me" time.
I ran out of shows to watch, so I started to scan the channels searching for something else to occupy my time. I ended up stopping at Man vs. Food. He was in Philadelphia and was on his typical spree to find the biggest, greasiest most delicious food that he could. I was intrigued. I have never been to Philadelphia. Maybe I want to go there? Hmmm, what do they have to eat that is so special. I watched the entire program.
As the show ended I sat there thinking to myself. I want some french fries. I NEED some french fries. Or maybe some Nachos? Salty chips could be good too. If have the salt though I am going to need the sweet. Dairy queen has a brownie batter blizzard. I love that slice of chocolate cake from the bakery down the street. I became obsessed with thinking about food. Maybe I could just have a small fry. Or a few chips and some chocolate. Or better yet, maybe I could just "take the night off" . Weekends are meant to be bad. One bad night won't matter in the big picture.
LIES. It is all a great big lie. I want the chips and the fries and the chocolate. I can't have them. It kills me that I do not yet have the willpower right now to eat unhealthy foods in moderation. I am not strong enough to only have one or two. I know that I am only one fast food run away from a binge. If I get a bag of chips I will eat them all in one sitting. I could eat a whole piece of cake no problem, with no guilt.
I hate that food is such a problem for me. I know if losing weight was easy everyone would be skinny. I get it. It is really hard. It is hard for me. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight, to be thin. I want so bad, but I want it to not be so hard. I know at the end of this when I look back on these struggles I will think that it was all worth it. That I went through all of those hard times to finally get to the end of this battle.
Last night was another "close call". I got home from work and was about to make dinner when I got sidetracked. All of a sudden it was 7:15 and I hadn't eaten dinner. The thought of Wendy's was haunting me. I grabbed my keys and my wallet and I got in my car. I decided that Wendy's was bad, I should get something else. I should go to Subway. Then I thought, "McDonalds is across from Subway... maybe I could just get a four piece chicken nugget and a small fry." I drove past the Golden Arches and parked at Subway. I ordered a sandiwch. I got baked chips. I got in my car dreading driving past the Golden Arches again. I thought about the french fries again. I kept driving. I got home and as I pulled in my garage I literally said out loud, "that was close." It was. Too close, but yet I am not writing to you to tell you that I have fallen off plan. I am here to say that I am human. I am here to say that my willpower is not always iron clad, but it is growing stronger everyday. It gets easier everyday.
Right now I am in a back and forth battle with food and with myself. Right now is really just the beginning of a long road. Right now I am stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as I will be tomorrow. Right now I have lost 7 pounds this week. Right now I feel the fire. Right now I am in control of my life, my body, my weight and it feels GOOD!
So, this is me right now. On my 100th post I am still 20 pounds down (27 if you count my new 7 pounds) from my first post, but I have many pounds to go. So, thanks to all of you for reading and supporting me through my many ups and downs. Sometimes, the support that I get from all of you helps me to keep going when I just want to quit. As a thank you I am going to give away two Target gift cards. All you have to do is comment on this post about why you like to read my blog. I will accept comments until 8:00 a.m. on Monday June 27th. At that time I will pick a winner, conatact you for your address and mail you your gift card. :) Easy peasy. No more posts until Monday. Happy weekend!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Take Me out to the Ball Game
Last night I went with friends to a Twins game and it was wonderful! It was a cooler night and slightly overcast, but it wasn't blazing hot and it didn't rain, so I can't complain. A group of us from work go to a Twins game every year and it is a lot of fun. I was bummed that Ron couldn't go this year because he had school, but I took one of my best friends Kelsey who is also one of my maids of honor.
We always go to the Imperial Room downtown beforehand because they have a FREE mashed potato bar, amazing buffalo chicken strips with homemade blue cheese and cheap drinks for happy hour. I am proud to say that I looked all of these temptation's in the eye and went a completely different and healthier direction. I had a water and half of a quesadilla with half the amount of cheese. It was really good and in all honesty I was so busy being social that I didn't even miss the food or alcohol.
When we got to the stadium I was once again tempted by delicious warm french fries, ice cream helmets filled with crunchy and sweet toppings, hot dogs, snow cones, peanuts... okay you get it. I could go on forever. I literally stood 100 feet away from my friends who were in line and faced the field and not the concession stands because I knew that right now that was my only choice. I am not going to sit here and pretend like my will-power is iron clad. It is far from it.
I was able to fight temptation the entire game despite everyone around me indulging in ballpark goodies. It felt really good. It is a small step in a long journey, but it is one that will help me build up my strength and willpower.
I have to stop and tell myself that a moment happiness now is not worth sacrificing a lifetime of happiness in the future.
All too often I have fallen into the category of, "it is just one ice cream cone, it is only one thing of french fries." Or else I will say to myself, "I can always start this tomorrow or on Mondy." The classic line lie that I tell myself is, "This will be so much easier when this event is over, or when we're done moving, or when we don't have so many parties to go to." Blah. Excuses make me sick. I am sick of my excuses and I am really sick of being fat. I know that losing weight is never wasy. I know that there isn't a better time than now. I know that I am in control of myself and my actions and what I put in my mouth. I know if I don't lose this weight now I may never do it because life will get more difficult and I will get more discouraged with each pound I gain. So the time is now. There is no better time than the present and I am taking control of my life and my eating habits. I have the willpower to say no and the power to win this battle once and for all.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Struggles
Hello blog friends... I have once again had an absence of longer than I would like. I have been having a rough time lately with losing weight and with everything else going on in my life (parent's divorce, getting engaged, planning a wedding, buying a house, going on vacation, etc.) I feel like I have just had a lot of things going on lately and a lot of stress. I had been taking on too much, stretching myself too thin and not doing the right things for my mental or physical health.
I know that I need to just get back in the groove and make it my life. I know that I need to worry less and work out more. I know I need to be conscious of everything that I put in my body and I also know that I need to talk to someone not in my family, not a friend and not my fiance about some of my life's stresses and finding a better way to manage them. I know that I need to just work through these problems rather than to let them fester inside for so long. I know that I am once again moving in the right direction. I think the most important thing that I have learned is that it isn't enough to have a personal trainer and a dietician to lose weight if you're not in the right frame of mind and if you're not working through issues and stresses that arise. So, I am going to work on my mental and physical health and be the best overall person that I can be. I am a work in progress, but at least I am working on it.
I know that I need to just get back in the groove and make it my life. I know that I need to worry less and work out more. I know I need to be conscious of everything that I put in my body and I also know that I need to talk to someone not in my family, not a friend and not my fiance about some of my life's stresses and finding a better way to manage them. I know that I need to just work through these problems rather than to let them fester inside for so long. I know that I am once again moving in the right direction. I think the most important thing that I have learned is that it isn't enough to have a personal trainer and a dietician to lose weight if you're not in the right frame of mind and if you're not working through issues and stresses that arise. So, I am going to work on my mental and physical health and be the best overall person that I can be. I am a work in progress, but at least I am working on it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Missing in Action
Hello fellow bloggers... Did you miss me? I missed you!! I am sure many of you are thinking that I couldn't possibly have been sick for two weeks. Well, you're right, I was not so sick that I couldn't blog for two weeks. I was however sick off and on and just when I was getting better it would get worse and last weekend I spent four days on the couch with strep throat and I literally didn't move from my 1000 sgaure foot apartment. So, after a long hiatus from the blog world and a terrible sick streak I am happy to be back blogging and catching up with all of you!
I must say that one of the best parts of being disconnected from the blogworld was the chance to just live a more simply life for awhile. I think I spent more time away from the computer and TV than I have in years. I spent time relaxing, reading, planning, finding new recipes and just spending some time with Ron. I am happy that I took some time for myself to get healthy and prepare for the big challenges that are ahead of me.
The big challenges for me are losing weight, buying a house, planning a wedding and applying to grad school. Yikes! When I type that all out I get anxious just thinking about how much I have to do still. I am beyond excited to be getting married to my best friend in 591 days, but I feel like that is coming so fast! I know, most of you are probably laughing at this. It is like 18 months away, what is the big deal? The big deal is that I feel like it is crunch time. I feel like I need to really chip away at this weight loss thing and record some successful weight loss numbers. Sometimes I watch shows like, "I Used to be Fat" or other weight loss shows and I think... OMG, they lost 60 pounds in like 3 or 4 months, why can't I do that? I know that I can do a lot more than I have been doing. This isn't to say that I have been a complete failure by any means. I am still down 40 pounds from last year at this time, so that is great, but it is only a small stepping stone. It is not nearly where I wanted to be or where I know I could be at this point, so I really need to prioritize my weight loss and make it one of my main priorities right now.
So, what am I doing about it? I have set aside $600 for a personal trainer to whip me into shape. Ha, okay so maybe not whip me into shape, but get me started and motivated again. I want someone to teach me new things to do and new ways to work out my body. I am really excited for my first session tomorrow and I am even more excited to start seeing major results again. I requested a male trainer this time because the last female that I had try to call me, "hunny" and "sweetie" and I am not at all into that. I want someone to push me in a productive way. No, I don't want someone to be mean and hurtful, but I want someone to give me tough love and that extra push that I need sometimes. I also am going to to meet with my nutritionist again starting in March through the spring season to get some more ideas from her as well. She always introduces me to new food, new meal plans and ways to be healthy and mindful of my body and what I eat.
So, anyway, sorry for the long hiatus, I am alive and well and happy to report no gains. I managed to maintain my weight for the past three weeks, which I am not completely thrilled about, but it is better than a gain and for being sick and pretty much not moving too much I am okay with it. Three weeks until I board the plane for sunny Florida and I am hoping to be 50 pounds less than when I boarded the plane for Hawaii last year! Yea! :)
I am
I must say that one of the best parts of being disconnected from the blogworld was the chance to just live a more simply life for awhile. I think I spent more time away from the computer and TV than I have in years. I spent time relaxing, reading, planning, finding new recipes and just spending some time with Ron. I am happy that I took some time for myself to get healthy and prepare for the big challenges that are ahead of me.
The big challenges for me are losing weight, buying a house, planning a wedding and applying to grad school. Yikes! When I type that all out I get anxious just thinking about how much I have to do still. I am beyond excited to be getting married to my best friend in 591 days, but I feel like that is coming so fast! I know, most of you are probably laughing at this. It is like 18 months away, what is the big deal? The big deal is that I feel like it is crunch time. I feel like I need to really chip away at this weight loss thing and record some successful weight loss numbers. Sometimes I watch shows like, "I Used to be Fat" or other weight loss shows and I think... OMG, they lost 60 pounds in like 3 or 4 months, why can't I do that? I know that I can do a lot more than I have been doing. This isn't to say that I have been a complete failure by any means. I am still down 40 pounds from last year at this time, so that is great, but it is only a small stepping stone. It is not nearly where I wanted to be or where I know I could be at this point, so I really need to prioritize my weight loss and make it one of my main priorities right now.
So, what am I doing about it? I have set aside $600 for a personal trainer to whip me into shape. Ha, okay so maybe not whip me into shape, but get me started and motivated again. I want someone to teach me new things to do and new ways to work out my body. I am really excited for my first session tomorrow and I am even more excited to start seeing major results again. I requested a male trainer this time because the last female that I had try to call me, "hunny" and "sweetie" and I am not at all into that. I want someone to push me in a productive way. No, I don't want someone to be mean and hurtful, but I want someone to give me tough love and that extra push that I need sometimes. I also am going to to meet with my nutritionist again starting in March through the spring season to get some more ideas from her as well. She always introduces me to new food, new meal plans and ways to be healthy and mindful of my body and what I eat.
So, anyway, sorry for the long hiatus, I am alive and well and happy to report no gains. I managed to maintain my weight for the past three weeks, which I am not completely thrilled about, but it is better than a gain and for being sick and pretty much not moving too much I am okay with it. Three weeks until I board the plane for sunny Florida and I am hoping to be 50 pounds less than when I boarded the plane for Hawaii last year! Yea! :)
I am
Monday, January 10, 2011
Waffle Fries. A confession. A promise. A Plan.
Waffle Fries
If you know anything about me you know that I prefer savory over sweet. I would much rather eat french fries and potato chips with dip than something sweet most anyday.
So, last night I went to Granite City with two of my girlfriends. GC is known for their waffle fries and seasoned sour cream and for very generous portions. This my friend's is a dieters worst nightmare come true. All day I was dreading going to GC because I have NEVER successfully gone there without indulging in waffle fry deliciousness. I mean if I am going to be totally honest I once split an appetizer with my friends that was Idaho Nachos which are waffle fries covered in cheese, bacon and sour cream and then I ordered a sandwich with waffle fries. Seems pretty reasonable. Ha.
My sandwich would usually be a Crispy fried Buffalo chicken wrap that I would then dip into blue cheese.
So, what is the message here? Did I eat all of these things and this is a confession rather than an example of learning from the past rather than falling into my comfortable, delicious, savory, salty past? What do you think? Did I eat it?
NO! Was it easy to not eat it? No. Do I want it to be easy and somehow become unappealing to me like fish or anchovies or sauerkraut? Yes. Is there a message in this post besides the fact that I didn't eat the above things and rather I ate the grilled mediterranean chicken with steamed broccoli? Yes. The message is below and it is one that took me awhile to deal with and to admit to myself and to all of you.
The Confession
The real point of this post is to be honest with all of you and honest with myself. Since Christmas, which was now almost 3 weeks ago I have not been walking the walk with this weight loss thing. I have been doing really well during the day and not so great when I get home. Some nights I have made dinners of tacos and spaghetti throwing portion control out the window. Some days I ate smaller portions, but the choices were poor. Some days were an off day that turned into an off weekend. I am being fully and completely honest with all of you and with myself because that is the only way for me to learn from my mistake and to get back on track.
The best part of this is that I learned my lesson before I gained all of the weight I lost back and more. I put on my jeans that just fit before Christmas yesterday and they were SNUG. I said, hmmm looks like the poor choices of caught up with me and that I need to get fully back on track. Rather than grabbing a pair of sweatpants or a bigger pair of jeans I made the decision then and there that I am NOT going back to the place that I once was. I am only going in the right direction. The weight loss, pants fit, feel better about myself, don't feel guilty when people ask me how things are going, saying every other day is a cheat day direction.
So, what is the damage and what is my plan of attack? Well. I have gained 4.5 pounds since Dec 21st. Yikes! This makes me so mad, sad, angry, disappointed and confused. How did I let this happen? I mean I know how it happened, but what was the trigger and why did it take ahold of me off and on for the better part of 3 weeks!?!
I spent a lot of time last night writing down my feelings and emotions during this time period so that I know for sure what kind of things played into my decisions. It isn't enough for me to get back on track. I need to know what happened that lead to the decisions that I made. Some of the emotions were: overwhelmed, busy, anxious, scared, sad, defeated, ashamed, guilty and disgusted. I wrote down some of the personal struggles that I have had during this as well so that I know some of the things that trigger me to eat or to make poor choices. This exercise helped me a lot. For a long time I never thought I was an emotional eater at all. I thought, I just really like food, but I don't eat because I am sad. I know now that is false. I know that my emotions tend to get the best of me and without knowing it I reach for a bag of chips. I think I have made some great progress. I think I am better prepared to get back on track and to tackle this weight loss thing again.
I hope you all see that everyone makes mistakes. I was on a HUGE roll with this weight loss thing and it started to crumble before my eyes. I hadn't have a bad day on this journey for 3 months. I had been a working out, portion control, eating healthy machine. The well-oiled machine that I created defaulted and I know that I am the only person in control of that. I had lost almost 50 pounds and just as I was starting to revel in that success, I turned my direction. I know that my emotions and my busy life got in the way of my weight loss and in the way of my continued success. I believe know that I know what I need to do and the things that I need to avoid or learn to deal with in a different way.
The Promise
I promise to myself that I will not let something like this go on for as long as it did next time. I promise that I have learned from this mistake and will be better off in the long run having gone through this. I promise to always admit when I have screwed up and to not feel like I need to be perfect all the time. I promise that I will show myself, my family, my friends and all of you that I can lose this weight and that I am a good example of someone who will overcome the odds and accomplish what they set out to do.
The Plan
1. Blog more often
2. Post more pictures
3. Be honest about every success and every failure
4. Post workout pictures
5. Post progress photos
6. Post recipes and food that I have tried
7. Work with a personal trainer again
8. Meet with my dietician to get a new plan in order
9. Talk about my emotions and my feelings
10. Lose the weight. For Good.
If you know anything about me you know that I prefer savory over sweet. I would much rather eat french fries and potato chips with dip than something sweet most anyday.
So, last night I went to Granite City with two of my girlfriends. GC is known for their waffle fries and seasoned sour cream and for very generous portions. This my friend's is a dieters worst nightmare come true. All day I was dreading going to GC because I have NEVER successfully gone there without indulging in waffle fry deliciousness. I mean if I am going to be totally honest I once split an appetizer with my friends that was Idaho Nachos which are waffle fries covered in cheese, bacon and sour cream and then I ordered a sandwich with waffle fries. Seems pretty reasonable. Ha.
My sandwich would usually be a Crispy fried Buffalo chicken wrap that I would then dip into blue cheese.
So, what is the message here? Did I eat all of these things and this is a confession rather than an example of learning from the past rather than falling into my comfortable, delicious, savory, salty past? What do you think? Did I eat it?
NO! Was it easy to not eat it? No. Do I want it to be easy and somehow become unappealing to me like fish or anchovies or sauerkraut? Yes. Is there a message in this post besides the fact that I didn't eat the above things and rather I ate the grilled mediterranean chicken with steamed broccoli? Yes. The message is below and it is one that took me awhile to deal with and to admit to myself and to all of you.
The Confession
The real point of this post is to be honest with all of you and honest with myself. Since Christmas, which was now almost 3 weeks ago I have not been walking the walk with this weight loss thing. I have been doing really well during the day and not so great when I get home. Some nights I have made dinners of tacos and spaghetti throwing portion control out the window. Some days I ate smaller portions, but the choices were poor. Some days were an off day that turned into an off weekend. I am being fully and completely honest with all of you and with myself because that is the only way for me to learn from my mistake and to get back on track.
The best part of this is that I learned my lesson before I gained all of the weight I lost back and more. I put on my jeans that just fit before Christmas yesterday and they were SNUG. I said, hmmm looks like the poor choices of caught up with me and that I need to get fully back on track. Rather than grabbing a pair of sweatpants or a bigger pair of jeans I made the decision then and there that I am NOT going back to the place that I once was. I am only going in the right direction. The weight loss, pants fit, feel better about myself, don't feel guilty when people ask me how things are going, saying every other day is a cheat day direction.
So, what is the damage and what is my plan of attack? Well. I have gained 4.5 pounds since Dec 21st. Yikes! This makes me so mad, sad, angry, disappointed and confused. How did I let this happen? I mean I know how it happened, but what was the trigger and why did it take ahold of me off and on for the better part of 3 weeks!?!
I spent a lot of time last night writing down my feelings and emotions during this time period so that I know for sure what kind of things played into my decisions. It isn't enough for me to get back on track. I need to know what happened that lead to the decisions that I made. Some of the emotions were: overwhelmed, busy, anxious, scared, sad, defeated, ashamed, guilty and disgusted. I wrote down some of the personal struggles that I have had during this as well so that I know some of the things that trigger me to eat or to make poor choices. This exercise helped me a lot. For a long time I never thought I was an emotional eater at all. I thought, I just really like food, but I don't eat because I am sad. I know now that is false. I know that my emotions tend to get the best of me and without knowing it I reach for a bag of chips. I think I have made some great progress. I think I am better prepared to get back on track and to tackle this weight loss thing again.
I hope you all see that everyone makes mistakes. I was on a HUGE roll with this weight loss thing and it started to crumble before my eyes. I hadn't have a bad day on this journey for 3 months. I had been a working out, portion control, eating healthy machine. The well-oiled machine that I created defaulted and I know that I am the only person in control of that. I had lost almost 50 pounds and just as I was starting to revel in that success, I turned my direction. I know that my emotions and my busy life got in the way of my weight loss and in the way of my continued success. I believe know that I know what I need to do and the things that I need to avoid or learn to deal with in a different way.
The Promise
I promise to myself that I will not let something like this go on for as long as it did next time. I promise that I have learned from this mistake and will be better off in the long run having gone through this. I promise to always admit when I have screwed up and to not feel like I need to be perfect all the time. I promise that I will show myself, my family, my friends and all of you that I can lose this weight and that I am a good example of someone who will overcome the odds and accomplish what they set out to do.
The Plan
1. Blog more often
2. Post more pictures
3. Be honest about every success and every failure
4. Post workout pictures
5. Post progress photos
6. Post recipes and food that I have tried
7. Work with a personal trainer again
8. Meet with my dietician to get a new plan in order
9. Talk about my emotions and my feelings
10. Lose the weight. For Good.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Insult to Injury
You know how my SS post was about how I have been slacking in the workout department? You know how I made my goal to work out nearly every day for almost two weeks? You know how sometimes you should listen to your body more than your mind and say this might be a little bit too much? You say, maybe you should slow down you might be overdoing it?
Well, I had been doing pretty well with this goal until Tuesday night when after my Soul Grooves class I grabbed a bunch of stuff out of my car (more than anyone should carry in one trip) and I slipped (on one of the hundrend patches of ice that is beneath the snow) and I sprained my ankle. Shoot! I spent almost all day yesterday at the doctor getting it looked at, but since it was so swollen they couldn't properly determine if it was broken. Good news is it is not nearly as swollen as it was and it is not broken. Bad news is it is still sprained, hurts like crazy and means that I need to stay off of it until next Tuesday when I have to go back and get it checked out.
So, what I have I learned you may ask? Well, I have learned that I need to be careful on the ice, that I need to take more than one trip of neccesary, that I need to relax and most importantly that I need to try to stop doing everything all at once and burning myself and my body out. In all honesty, I feel like since October I have been go, go go and it seems like I am trying to do too much at once. I used to be a complete and total couch potato. I never went to the gym and I ate poorly. I don't want to retreat to my old ways by any means. I also don't want to feel like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to lose this weight and feel healthy more than anything. I need to find a balance. I need to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change, not a race to the finish line. I know my body is different now than it was 3 months ago. I know that it will be even more different than it is now in 3 months.
So, my fellow bloggers my question is... How do you find the right balance? How often do people work out each week? Do you listen to your body more than anything? I would love some advice, because right now I am feeling like I have overdone it and I need to re-think my plan.
Also, my sister asked me the other day how much weight I have lost and I realized that I haven't shared it with anyone in awhile. Three weeks ago I came 1.5 pounds shy of 50 pounds lost. The next week at my weigh in I didn't lose anything. On Sunday when I weighed myself I had officially hit the 50 pound mark. I have lost 51.3 pounds. I am ecstatic. I think the excitement from hitting this milestone is another reason why I pushed myself too hard. I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing great and to take it down a notch.
Well, I had been doing pretty well with this goal until Tuesday night when after my Soul Grooves class I grabbed a bunch of stuff out of my car (more than anyone should carry in one trip) and I slipped (on one of the hundrend patches of ice that is beneath the snow) and I sprained my ankle. Shoot! I spent almost all day yesterday at the doctor getting it looked at, but since it was so swollen they couldn't properly determine if it was broken. Good news is it is not nearly as swollen as it was and it is not broken. Bad news is it is still sprained, hurts like crazy and means that I need to stay off of it until next Tuesday when I have to go back and get it checked out.
So, what I have I learned you may ask? Well, I have learned that I need to be careful on the ice, that I need to take more than one trip of neccesary, that I need to relax and most importantly that I need to try to stop doing everything all at once and burning myself and my body out. In all honesty, I feel like since October I have been go, go go and it seems like I am trying to do too much at once. I used to be a complete and total couch potato. I never went to the gym and I ate poorly. I don't want to retreat to my old ways by any means. I also don't want to feel like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to lose this weight and feel healthy more than anything. I need to find a balance. I need to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change, not a race to the finish line. I know my body is different now than it was 3 months ago. I know that it will be even more different than it is now in 3 months.
So, my fellow bloggers my question is... How do you find the right balance? How often do people work out each week? Do you listen to your body more than anything? I would love some advice, because right now I am feeling like I have overdone it and I need to re-think my plan.
Also, my sister asked me the other day how much weight I have lost and I realized that I haven't shared it with anyone in awhile. Three weeks ago I came 1.5 pounds shy of 50 pounds lost. The next week at my weigh in I didn't lose anything. On Sunday when I weighed myself I had officially hit the 50 pound mark. I have lost 51.3 pounds. I am ecstatic. I think the excitement from hitting this milestone is another reason why I pushed myself too hard. I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing great and to take it down a notch.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Substantial Progress
This message was originally written in the body of an email to Trisha from Crazy Little Thing Called Life. If you aren't familiar with her blog, you should check it out because she is great! I asked her a few questions about her journey and she wrote me back a long, detailed email that was awesome. Anyway, I went off on a tangent and rather than sending it to her, I decided to share it with everyone. So, here goes nothing...
I am not sure if you know this or not, but I lost 75 pounds about 4 years ago and was only able to keep it off for about a year. I went to Italy and ate an endless amount of pasta, pizza, wine and gelato. I only gained 10 lbs in Italy over 6 months, but when I came home I gained about 60 pounds over the course of 2 years. YIKES! So, I am not completely new to this, except for this time I am really trying to do it right. Last time I feel like I was doing the motions, but not the hard work. I didn't develop a new relationship with food and my habits, I just repressed them. I would have a successful weigh in with my dietician and I would drive over to Wendy's and order greasy fattening food to "congratulate myself." It was a journey of deprivation not a journey of changed habits. This time I still have cravings and still find myself longing for things, but I allow myself to enjoy things from time to time in moderation. It is not always easy. I spent the night last night laying in bed literally salivating while I was thinking about eating cheesburgers, fries and pasta. It makes me feel terrible and guilty. It reminds me that I have a long way to go, but it also reminds me of how far I have come. In the past when the craving would sink in I would find a way to satisfy my urge no matter what. This time I laid there for a solid 10 minutes dreaming of these carb and fat loaded foods, but then I reminded myself of my progress. I said to myself, "Shannon, what is the point of going to Wendy's right now and ordering all of the food you're craving, coming home, eating it all and then going to bed?" What positive thing could possibly come from this? The answer is simple. There is nothing good about eating Wendy's at 10:00 at night when you have worked your butt off to get where you are AND keep in mind missy that you have a LONG way to go.
This is me sharing an example of how it is not always easy. I am not trying to be a complainer, or whine about how hard it is to not eat a cheeseburger. I just think that we all struggle at different times and with different things. Last nights Wendy's craving almost got to me. I admit it. I was close to a breaking point, but I overcame it. Somehow, with some willpower that I found within myself to say, "You don't need that go to sleep." I just wanted to share this for anyone who has ever had a craving, a bad day or a bad week that turned into a month that you should stick to it. If you fell off the wagon get back on it. The one thing that I have learned is that it really is never too late to kick this thing once and for all.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Week Long Absence= A lot of Catching Up
Happy Sunday everyone! How was everyone's Thanksgiving? If you didn't have Thanksgiving how was your weekend? At any rate did people stay on track with their weight loss goals and not over-indulge too much? I am proud to say that I stayed on track very well while I was at home with my Mom for almost a week! I have not been home that long since I lived at home in high school.
I have to say though... I really missed blogging, reading blogs and having access to a computer. My mom doesn't have a computer or wi-fi which meant only checking things on my phone which meant no blogging for almost a week. So, I missed everyone a lot and am going to try to fill you in on my crazy week all in one re-cap post rather than a bunch of smaller ones, so I hope you have a nice warm beverage and are ready to get the details.
Thanksgiving
I missed Fashion Friday and Saturday Sessions this week and I intend to do a mini version of each of them, but first I am going to tell you all about my time at home with my lovely mother. We had 50 people at my Mom's house for Thanksgiving, which meant that we cooked, baked, cleaned, decorated and organized our little tushes off. It was so much fun! It was a lot a lot of work, but well worth it. My parents recently got divorced and it has been really hard for my mom and my family because of how messy it was. It was nice to have a holiday that was drama free and "normal" after having several years of bad holidays. My mom cried during Grace before we ate dinner and was so thankful that so many people from the family came to celebrate Thanksgiving and to support her. I had to fight back tears. It was great to see my family and spend so much time together. I forgot to take pictures, because we were so busy, but I did get one shot of two people that I love so much.
This is my wonderful GG and our family dog Gabi.
They are basically best friends as my mom drops Gabi off at GG's for "daycare" every morning while she is at work.
Every year before we eat we play a family game of football outside. This year the crowd was smaller because it was 14 degrees outside with negative 10 degree windchill. Brrrr. My family played a heated Girls Vs. Boys game of Trivial Pursuit after dinner. The boys won for the fifth year in a row. Shoot! It was a really close game though and we almost pulled out a win.
My mom and I also took the time to go through her extensive Christmas collection and get the house decorated. My mom collects Santas and she has hundreds of them. I am sad that I didn't take pictures, but I will and then I will show you how fabulous they are. She also has a lot of Santa Bears that our dog Gabi really enjoyed :)
Gabi and the Santa Bear collection.
The Feast
Another Thanksgiving tradition that I take part in every year is called the Feast. It is a friendsgiving that we have had for 8 years. My high school friends and I get together at my friend Hilary's house the Saturday after Thanksgiving every year to make a meal together and have some fun. It is something that I look forward to every year and would be lost without it. It is pretty rare for people to get together with high school friends for the same event every year, but we all try to make it a priority.
This year was our smallest attendance to date with only 10 people attending (we are usually close to 20) but it was still a lot of fun. We have a strict no significant others can come unless you are engaged or married. Some people don't like it, but rules are rules and they are not to be broken. Ron was not allowed to come since we are not engaged or married, but that is okay with me because we see each other all the time and we don't want to break the rules.
My group of girl friends from high school minus Brooke.
Jen, Hilary, me, Stacie and Kelsey.
Our Feast of food. All of the usual Thanksgiving goodness.
10 Feasters ready for some food and fun.
Expressing our thanks for one another, our families and having health and happiness.
Fashion Friday: A Black Friday Fashion Finds Feature
Alright, so I may have gone black friday shopping this year for the second year in a row and loved it. We didn't go at 3 am, but we did go when we woke up and we did get a lot of good deals. My wonderful boyfriend accompanied me even though we wasn't exactly thrilled with the thought. So, what did I get you might ask. Well I got some toys for my nephews and niece, some things for Ron, my Mom, my siblings, my GG and well maybe a couple of things for me :)
I was going to organize it all to show you, but for the sake of time I am just showing you the massive pile that I now get to wrap!
Hello purple my favorite color. Hello beautiful zipper detail. Hello flats that are cute and comfortable. I am in love. Kenneth Cole Slip My Mind CK in Passion.
Another view of my new flats and also a peek at my new We Love Colors tights in Maroon. If you know me you know that I love tights. I love this pop of color (maybe not with the purple shoes) and these tights come in like 29 colors and are very affordable. I will say that I am an apple shape meaning that I am bigger in my middle and I have relatively smaller legs and thighs. I would probably have ordered these a size or two smaller because they kind of gather at points on my legs because there is too much fabric. If you are bigger in the legs you should probably just follow the guidelines listed on their website.
Next Up... Hello lover. My obsession when it comes to shoes it wedges. I love these slate grey wedges. They are super comfortable and inexpensive. They look great with skinny jeans or with We Love Colors tights. They are from Target and are the brand Merona and called Myka.
Hello holiday hotness. You need to get these wedges from Target.
Saturday Sessions
I am once again a day late with this post, my apologies. This is going to be a very quick, abbreviated version of the SS.
1. Make it a holiDAY and not a holi-week or longer.
SUCCESS!! I made it a holiday and not anything more than that. I made a plan and stuck to it and it paid off. I didn't over-indulge and I only ate items that I get once a year. I had one glass of wine which was my first drink in almost 8 weeks and it was wonderful. I am going to really buckle down for the rest of the year to get some optimal results by New Year's.
2. Start keeping track of my mood more often.
I did okay with this, but definitely room for improvement. I need to keep better track of this whether it is mentally or physically on a piece of paper. I stopped myself from buying a candy bar when I was really hungry at the grocery store and realized that I was just really hungry and didn't really want a candy bar.
SUCCESS!! I made it a holiday and not anything more than that. I made a plan and stuck to it and it paid off. I didn't over-indulge and I only ate items that I get once a year. I had one glass of wine which was my first drink in almost 8 weeks and it was wonderful. I am going to really buckle down for the rest of the year to get some optimal results by New Year's.
2. Start keeping track of my mood more often.
I did okay with this, but definitely room for improvement. I need to keep better track of this whether it is mentally or physically on a piece of paper. I stopped myself from buying a candy bar when I was really hungry at the grocery store and realized that I was just really hungry and didn't really want a candy bar.
New Goals
1. Attend an hour long fitness class 6 days this week.
I have mentally said to myself that I was going to do this for the past few weeks, but I have fell short, so I am saying it out loud to all of you in hopes that I keep up with my promise. I have all of the schedules printed out I just need to make going a HIGH priority.
2. Get all of my holiday decorations out and Christmas presents wrapped.
Not every goal needs to be weight loss/fitness related. This is something that is important to me this week and I know that my month is jam packed, so getting all of this done sooner than later will be best.
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